The Pain of Never

There’s a lot of pain in loss. Pain that, as one friend put it, “breaks you in ways you never knew possible.”

I never thought I would say that I am 1 in 4. That I lost my baby. That I buried my child. But, here I am, in this loss and experiencing this pain.

I am not the first, and sadly, I won’t be the last mother to feel this pain.

But there are other mothers, other women who have known the pain of never. Never hearing that heartbeat. Never conceiving. Never carrying a healthy baby to full term. Never holding their own flesh and blood, breathing and full of life. That is a pain I do not know. That is a pain I cannot imagine. And the breaking that comes with it is one I cannot fathom.

I was washing dishes and all of a sudden was hit with the most beautiful picture I’ve ever seen. I saw women in Heaven. Women that knew the pain of never. Barren women. Women who desperately wanted to be mothers on earth but for one reason or the other never were.

Babies were being handed to them. Babies of all ages. Babies like Z, just the size of my thumb. Older babies and younger babies. Little ones who were unable to live outside of the womb. Little ones who were dearly wanted and those who were not. These women were beaming with delight and overflowing with joy. The joy they had was indescribable. The kind of joy that spills out of your heart with laughter and tears. Women who were broken in ways beyond words here on earth having the joy of receiving these little ones. They rejoiced. They treasured these little ones. They nurtured and cared for the babies with joyful delight. It was their great pleasure to hold onto these babies until the day their parents joined them in Heaven.

I smiled. And then in an instant I wept. I wept because my God is so good. He is a God full of redemption. He is a God that calls things that are not as though they were. He is a God who brings restoration. He restores the broken hearted. He comforts those who mourn. He brings laughter in the place of tears. He takes all of our pain and, because of his death and glorious resurrection, because He and He Alone defeated the grave, gives us life in it’s place.

He takes our mourning and turns it into dancing. That is what I saw in this picture. I saw broken hearts fully restored. I saw the glory of the eternal Kingdom of my God. I saw Baby Z being handed over to the most delighted woman and I knew my baby would be loved beyond words until the day I can hold Z again.

You take my mourning and turn it into laughing.

You take my weeping and turn it into dancing.

You take my sadness and turn it into joy.

You bring restoration, You bring restoration to my soul.